New Beginnings

Well - something happened on April 8... a baby girl was born in a hospital in a suburb outside of Chicago, and the birth family felt like adoption was the best option for this tiny human.

On April 12, we received an email from our agency. It shared some fairly vague details of a new born and wanted to know if we would be interested in having our profile shared with the birth parents.

Amy and I had 48 hours to decide to share our profile - knowing that if the birth parents liked us, we were 'in' ... We talked about it for about 36 of those hours... our only hesitation being the fact that... in case you didn't hear... we just bought a house. So we wanted to make sure we had the capacity as a couple and individuals to navigate the home buying progress in conjunction with a potential adoption...

On Wednesday night, April 13, we sent the email to the agency saying that we would love to have our profile shared with the birth family. And then we started waiting...

On Friday morning, as we sat there drinking our morning coffee, chatting about our day ahead, we had a phone call from our adoptive coordinator. She said the birth parents had narrowed down their selection to a couple of potential adoptive families. And Amy and I made the cut. We were one of two families the birth parents were considering.

Later that afternoon, we had a 50 minute chat with the birth mother and father. It felt natural, and it felt as though we really had connected with them. During the call, we tried to follow the guidance for chatting with birth parents that had been offered to us by our agency while still trying to genuinely be our authentic selves (not that these two things conflicted; we just wanted to make sure we stayed within the boundaries that protected and respected the birth parents as well as ourselves).

Following our phone call, the birth mother sent a photo of this beautiful baby girl. Throughout the week, we chatted casually via a group text with Amy, the birth mother, and I. Most of the conversation focused on our sending the birth parents warm fuzzies and them updating us on her health. (She went to the NICU following c-section because of extraneous amniotic fluid in her lungs.) Over the course of the week, Baby Girl was weened off oxygen. Almost immediately, though, doctors decided she needed a feeding tube (aka g-tube). Being a surgical procedure, she was put back on oxygen.

The following Monday, we got an email from our agency saying that the birth parents really liked us and Baby Girl was progressing well. Then for a little more than a week we chatted with the birth mother, learning about Baby Girl's progress... And from our perspective, we wanted to get excited about bringing the amazing tiny being into our home, AND recognizing that nothing is solidified until it is. We talked about what we knew, what we wanted, what might happen, what we were scared of happening, and on top of all that, we talked about being happy for this baby girl regardless of what happens because her birth parents really seem like a amazing people. As Amy said, "it's not like we would worry about this baby growing up in unsafe conditions".

Then on Friday the 21st, on my way home for lunch, I saw an email pop up in my and Amy's joint adoption email account (yes - those notification were turned "ON" and popped up on my phone as I drove down the road). I pulled over (really I did) and read the email before I got home, knowing Amy was on a work call and would not be checking email. I read the email where our contact at the agency informed us that the parents could not go through with adoption, as they could not part with her. The contact expressed her condolences to us, and she tried to assure us of future opportunities to adopt.

Amy and I spent the afternoon absorbing that information and coping with it however we best could... Amy cried. I wanted to crawl in bed and under the covers. Instead we decided to get out of the house. We eventually went downtown to grab dinner. As we were wrapping up our night, we received a text from the birth mother: She and her husband wanted to connect with us again. She explained that they were REALLY having a hard time with this decision (rightfully so), and they really were not set one way or the other.

We responded and set up a FaceTime call over coffee for Sunday morning. In case you weren't sure - we were trying to figure out what all this meant... Our hearts ached for the birth parents, and we also wanted to bring this baby girl into our home. Amy kept saying, "I think we are supposed to be her moms".

Our FaceTime call was great. Another lengthy call of getting to know each other, and we had the benefit of putting faces to the voices we heard the week before. During this call, we were able to start 'cutting up' with the birth mother. We all shared an appropriate amount of 'wordy dirds' (profanity); we laughed about the joy and challenges of raising neuro-typical kiddos and cried about this particular situation regarding this kiddo. The birth mother let us know that there was a 'training' regarding the use and maintenance of the g-tube on Tuesday. She said we were welcome to join virtually if we wanted. (GASP!! - is this happening???)

The birth mother FaceTimed us and we participated - virtually - with the doctors and nurses about Baby Girl's feeding tube. It was surreal. For me, the feeding tube is slightly intimidating, AND all my students (literally ALL) have a g-tube. Two of my kiddos are having feedings while I teach them a couple of times EVERY week. This training made it WAY less scary.

As the week progressed, Amy and I both sought out a session with our therapists (following the 'not doing adoption' email, following the 'we still want to connect' text, and following the virtual G-tube training with medical professionals). To meet with objective, clinically-trained individuals was grounding and therapeutic (and much needed). And we continue to chat via text with the birth mother.

On Wednesday of last week the birth mother said they wanted to process and consider adoption through Friday. On Thursday, Amy and I had therapy wherein our therapists suggested creating boundaries to further protect ourselves and the birth parents. Essentially, we stopped texting the birth parents. We stopped communicating our empathy and warm thoughts to the birth mother (although we still had them - FOR SURE).

Then it was Sunday, May 1. We received a text from the birth mother, saying she wanted to talk about 'logistics'. To us that sounded like we were still moving forward, towards bringing this beautiful angel into our home. We scheduled another FaceTime for that evening. (OK - WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?!?!)

Later that same afternoon (Sunday) the birth mother sent a text saying there is another training regarding the G-tube pump on Monday at 1pm. A couple of hours later, she also communicated that she and her husband had talked to family about their decision, and they were ready to move forward with adoption. (REALLY!?!? OMG - this has to be so tough for them... I cannot imagine. We cannot imagine)...

So that evening, Sunday, May 1, we FaceTimed again. We clarified our vision for an open adoption... especially that Amy and I believe in open adoption and that the birth parents (and extended family) are welcome to participate in any aspect of this baby's life, with nearly no limitations. We - Amy and I - WANT the birth parents to participate in her life to the extent they feel comfortable (acknowledging it will take time)...

Fast forward a couple of hours - we had booked tickets to Chicago, reached out to my girls and friends to figure out how to care for the fur babies in our absence, booked a hotel, and tried to pack for a trip to O'Hare with no known return date. Then at 4:30am, my sister and K picked us up and took us to RDU airport. We check our bags and got on a plane to LaGuardia (the 1 stop between RDU and Chicago)...